


always hello, never goodbye

by secondthoughts



Series: fangirl meets idol [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Reality, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Based on Chen's Hello, Closure, Emotional, F/M, Fangirls, Fans, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Melodrama, Nostalgia, Original Character(s), Parenthood, Reality, Slice of Life, Song: Hello (Kim Jongdae | Chen), im sorry im emo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:54:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27040819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secondthoughts/pseuds/secondthoughts
Summary: Right after a fangirl listens to Chen's latest single 'Hello' and breaks into tears, she meets him by chance in a supermarket's diaper section.Expect tears and heartfelt conversations to ensue.
Relationships: Kim Jongdae | Chen/Original Female Character(s)
Series: fangirl meets idol [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1973587
Comments: 6
Kudos: 7





	always hello, never goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired to write this after listening to Jongdae's new song, which made me cry a lot since he's my ultimate bias. I wrote this because these are the words that I want to say to him and as a way to comfort myself and others, because he's enlisting soon, which breaks my heart.  
> This oneshot is not like the previous fangirl meets idol one, as you can tell it's sadder. But I hope you reading this is like receiving a hug.

She makes sure she’s wearing her mask properly, whole nose covered and chin obscured before she leaves the house.

The wind is strong even as the daylight fades, she zips up her jacket and takes the stairs down the building even though the elevator is working. It doesn’t matter anyway since she lives on the third floor, and taking the stairs is safer than being in confined spaces these days.

The best measure is to stay at home but her brother-in-law is having a company meeting online and her sister is busy taking care of their toddler, so she was asked to do some grocery shopping. They are almost running out of diapers and milk powder and food. Fortunately, the supermarket is only a few blocks away from their apartment.

A lot has changed this year and the only thing that keeps the girl grounded is music. She puts on her earphones as she descends the steps and takes out her phone to play her favourite songs, mostly by EXO. She scans through Melon music and almost stops in her steps, seeing that Chen released his new single ten minutes ago, titled ‘Hello’. Her heart thumps louder than usual with excitement, his songs have always been soothing and they are constantly helping her through life, especially through this pandemic.

She presses play and almost immediately tears run down her cheeks upon hearing the first sentence of the song, wetting the fabric of her mask.

* * *

He stares at the half-empty rows of diapers in front of him, the brand he usually buys is not in sight. He adjusts his cap and sighs; he can go to another store to find the product but he doesn’t want to risk going to many places when it’s still not really safe to be outside. Putting himself at risk would be putting his family at risk too and he doesn’t want that, not when he fought so hard for them. But he wants to do something for them this time like any other dad and husband would, like shopping for his family, he wants to spend the most of his time with them with the days remaining before he departs.

Maybe he should just take another brand, hopefully his wife will be okay with it. But there are so many brands, he has no idea which one will be okay for his infant daughter since she has sensitive skin. His hand reaches to rub away the tension between his temples only to stop himself immediately, he shouldn’t be touching his face in public, unless he sanitizes his hands first.

He reluctantly drops his hand to his side. The world has changed ever since the start of the year, so did his life when he made that huge announcement.

“This brand is trustworthy; I know that since I’ve been buying it for my nephew.” He jumps at the feminine voice to his side; he was so lost in his thoughts he didn’t notice that someone else is standing in front of the diaper section. He turns slowly, praying that she’s not too close.

To his relief, the girl is standing five feet away from him. It’s good to know that she’s adhering to social distancing rules, it also gives him a better chance that he won’t be recognized. His cap is on and he’s wearing a mask like everyone else is doing, so he should be safe from eyes around here.

The girl is pointing at a bag of diapers between them. He doesn’t reply which causes her to feel a bit embarrassed. She takes out her earphones and bows her head awkwardly at him. “Sorry if I’m bothering you, you just seemed confused.”

He notices two lined streaks on her mask. Has she been crying? He wants to ask if she’s okay but it’s not his place to and he can’t risk being identified in public, especially during this time.

“It’s okay, I was actually confused. Thanks for the recommendation,” he replies instead and grabs the diapers she was pointing at before giving her a courteous nod.

He is about to head to the counter when the girl speaks again. “Wait, your voice sounds familiar.” Her eyes widen as she gives him a quick onceover and he clutches the bag of diapers tighter in his grip, his heart pounding. No, this can’t be happening.

“S-Sorry, I-I don’t know you. You must be mistaken.” He tries to hide the tremor in his voice and puts more distance between him and the girl, ready to turn around and make a run for it---

“With all my heart in those ordinary hellos, I just want to ask if you’re doing well.” Her eyes seem to gleam, he notices. Maybe it’s the lighting but then she starts to sniff, then he realizes that the girl is crying.

It’s like someone just punched him on the chest, his heart is still beating fast but now with an ache. He knows the sentence she said all too well, it’s the sentence he has been repeating over and over, practicing the way the syllables roll of his tongue and the melody that comes with them. He inhales sharply, realizing there’s no escape now. He has been found out by a…fan? He’s not sure if there are any genuine ones left these days.

But she makes no move to approach him, still keeping them at a good social distance. He’s thankful for her consideration but feels horrible for causing her distress. This girl doesn’t seem to be one of the extreme ones. He glances around and silently thanks the heavens that no one is nearby.

“I’m…I’m doing well, I guess,” he finally says. It has been so long since he interacted with someone other than his family and people from the company.

The girl opposite him, even with half of her face covered, is clearly not doing well and his heart throbs again, knowing it’s his fault that she’s in this state.

“Miss, I’m sorry for the inconvenience. Let’s step outside somewhere quiet after I make my purchase, alright?” He knows he should be going home after buying the diapers but he can’t just leave a girl crying on her own, especially when it’s because of him. And maybe it’s time he talks to someone different to understand a different perspective.

The girl has a basket of groceries beside her feet, she pockets her earphones and bends down to pick it up, her hands shaking.

“Okay, Jongdae,” she whispers.

There’s no hint of accusation or anger in her tone, he dares say that the way she said his name comes from a place of affection. He almost breaks down in the middle of the aisle.

Because affection and understanding from other people, especially those fans who supported him before his announcement early this year, are hard to come by these days.

* * *

She never would have thought of meeting her idol and bias in the flesh, in the same city.

She also never thought said idol and bias would pay for her groceries either. Jongdae just took the basket from her hands and asked her to wait for him outside before heading to the counter, not waiting for her to object.

The sun has long set and the streetlights illuminate the city as she stands to the side of the entrance of the supermarket, the streets are usually bustling with people at night but most people are staying indoors now. She figures that Jongdae only comes out at night, when there’s no crowd.

At some point, her tears have dried up thanks to the wind. She doesn’t dare wipe her eyes when her hands have touched stuff in the supermarket. She reaches into her bag and takes out a bottle of hand sanitizer, noticing that her hands are still trembling. It’s not everyday you run into your bias, especially not in the middle of a pandemic.

She is applying sanitizing liquid onto her palm when the automatic doors slide open and Jongdae steps out, carrying both bags of groceries. He’s wearing a cap, a mask and a pair of glasses yet her trained eyes can still recognise him anywhere. She should since she’s memorized his profile for years. She almost drops the bottle, realizing that it’s not a dream when a chilly gust of wind hits her face.

She can’t find her voice, embarrassed that she cried in front of him, so she lets Jongdae do the talking as he leads them away from the supermarket and to an empty bench in a secluded corner, it’s long enough for both of them to sit on while maintaining a good physical distance. Jongdae puts the groceries between them and sits down.

“Join me for a while, please?”

How can she say no to her bias? She sits on the other end of the bench, making a note to change out of her clothes the moment she reaches home.

She turns to him, noticing a vein on his neck pulsing rapidly. So she isn’t the only one, but she understands why he’s nervous. “You didn’t have to pay for my groceries, but thank you.”

Jongdae doesn’t turn to look at her as he crosses his hand together. “It’s the least I can do for making you cry, I’m sorry.”

The fangirl wonders how many times he has to apologize for the decisions he made and her heart breaks for him. “Please stop apologizing, you did nothing wrong. I was crying because I was listening to your new song on the way here. I couldn’t help it.”

Jongdae finally looks at her, his eyes hopeful. “What do you think about it?”

“It’s so beautiful, I will be listening to it for hours.”

He laughs in relief. “That’s good to know, good to know someone likes it.”

It’s been so long since Jongdae made an official public appearance, it’s been so long since she saw him laugh. She wants him to smile, she wants him to know that there are people out there who still care. It’s heart-warming to see him laugh, even if it’s only for a while.

“You broke EXO-L twitter, you know, Everyone loves the song! We have received your letter well; you don’t have to be scared of writing to us. So please, don’t apologize for pursuing happiness by having a family, don’t read those negative comments, don’t let people tell you how you should live your life. You’re human just like me and some ignorant people just don’t understand that. But many of your fans still care, including the international ones. So, don’t ever feel sorry for doing what you did, true fans are the ones who support you for doing what makes you happy.” The words rush out of her in one go, and she realizes her cheeks are wet again. These are the words that she’s been wanting to tell him, that all his fans are writing everywhere on social media. She finally gets to say them in front of him, she’s glad there’s something she can help convey for the whole fandom.

Jongdae has been staring at her all the while, wide-eyed and intently, now his eyes are glistening. “I…gosh, I wish I could hug you right now.”

She wishes she could give him a warm hug too and protect him from all those petty anti-fans. But there’s only so much you can do when a pandemic is thrown into the mix.

She smiles through her tears, hoping he can see it in her eyes. “Me too. But your song has given me a comforting hug.”

“So did your words.” When her vision clears up, she sees his tears illuminated under the streetlamp.

She laughs to lighten up the mood. “Wow, never have I ever thought I would have a crying party with my bias. The past nineteen years of my life is definitely worth living for this moment.”

Thankfully, Jongdae laughs along, even though it comes out a little shaky. “You’re so young but so understanding about my decision.”

She shakes her head. “It has nothing to do with age, it’s the only logical thing to do, pursuing your happiness.”

“But weren’t you upset that I’m married and a father now, doesn’t it seem like I have betrayed you all?”

She rolls her eyes; she can’t believe he read those negative comments. “Of course not, it’s not like I own you or anything. I was so happy for you when you made the announcement! You’re my role model and you taught me to stand for what you love. You’re fortunate to meet someone you love so much and want to spend the rest of your life with them. I hope someday I can find someone like that too.”

Jongdae’s eyes crinkle into those familiar crescents she always sees in pictures and videos. “You will. And when you do, don’t ever let go.”

She believes him. Since he found the one, so can she.

“You know my name, but I don’t know yours,” he says after a while.

She winks at him. “You can call me Eri.”

Jongdae’s eyes sparkle at the endearment they have given to their fans. It’s comforting that she identifies to that name. “Hello, Eri.”

He looks up at the dark sky, the stars seem clearer now that the city is half asleep. “You know, I keep thinking of what to write to you guys. But every time I pick up a pen, I put it down again, because I don’t know if my words would be better than my silence.

“But after talking to you, I can see that I should trust my fans to receive my letters well, so I will write while I can. And…I’m drafting a letter and will post it soon.”

Eri looks at him hopefully, buzzing with excitement. It has been so long since he’s written to his fans, she has always loved the way he writes, it’s gentle and warm. “May I know what it’s about?”

Jongdae glances at her hesitantly but decides to tell her. “The news will be out sooner or later, but I want my fans to know first…I’m enlisting soon.”

Her heart sinks, she’s too surprised to say anything even though she knows there will come a day when he will join the army, but this is too soon. He just released a song, but why does it sound like a goodbye now? Her eyes are already a bit swollen and she doesn’t want to cry again, she tries hard to keep the waterworks at bay. But her eyes are leaky faucets.

She takes a deep breath, she has to say something because he’s staring at her, worry in his eyes. “I’m gonna miss you so much. Your family will miss you too. So, make the most of your time with them.”

Jongdae nods. “I will.”

“Knowing that you’ll meet Minseok, Kyungsoo and Junmyeon in the military, my heart is more at ease. They probably can’t wait to meet your daughter.”

His eyes lit up at the mention of his child and she knows he’s already a great father. “They have seen her pictures; her uncles adore her very much.”

The next two years are going to be long without Jongdae. Eri sniffles, she’s grateful for her mask, she doesn’t want her bias to see her runny nose. Only he can make her a teary, blubbering mess. “I can’t believe you released a ‘Hello’ just to say goodbye soon, that’s cruel.”

“No, no,” Jongdae shifts so his whole body is facing her, his heart hurts seeing the pained look in her eyes. He badly wants to comfort her but how can he when he will be gone for the next two years? How can his absence from the music industry be reassuring?

He exhales through his mouth, the mask puffing out. “It’s not goodbye, it never will be. ‘Annyeong’ can go both ways, but I will always choose to say hello to you. You would do the same for me, wouldn’t you?”

She sniffles again, nodding silently, not daring to speak because she wants to continue hearing his sweet voice for as long as time allows.

“I will take good care of myself, so don’t worry about me. You have to keep living well too, especially during this pandemic, okay? I always read through posts by fans, I know you guys always say that EXO are in your hearts. So, don’t feel alone when I’m in military. I’m in your heart and my songs will be in your ears until I come back.” He wants to reach out to wipe away her tears but for her safety, he doesn’t. He hates how a stupid virus can just change everything and even forbid physical touch.

Eri nods again, briefly closing her eyes to let his comforting words engulf her like a warm blanket. Her lips quiver as she finds her voice again. “I will wait for you, I will wait for you while getting through university, I will wait for you while I listen to your songs over and over again. I will still support and love you even when others stop feeling the same. Because I’m your fan and I’m grateful for the times you sang into my heart, your voice makes my sleepless nights more bearable and your smile always brings one to my face.” She lifts her gaze to his. “Thank you for everything, you deserve to be happy as an artist and as a person.

The fabric of Jongdae’s mask shifts and she knows that he’s smiling just by the twitch in his eyebrows. “The world needs more people like you, it’ll be much warmer,” he says.

“Gosh, are you two shooting a melodrama? Why did you have to bring out my tears too?”

The singer and the fangirl jump at the low voice, they are so engrossed in their heartfelt conversation that they failed to notice someone else is also present. Eri turns to see a tall figure standing a few feet away from the bench. The man is wearing a mask too but there’s no mistaking his identity.

Did she save the world in her past life? Is that why she bumped into her bias and bias wrecker on the same day? She feels blood rushing to her cheeks and she’s glad she’s wearing her mask.

Jongdae’s brows shoot up. “Yeol? What are you doing here?”

Chanyeol holds up his phone. “I was planning to drop by your house, your wife said you’re out here buying stuff but she’s starting to worry about your safety and asked me to look for you.” He glances at Eri and she gulps. “She’s safe?”

Jongdae stands up at the mention of his wife. “Don’t worry, she’s Eri.”

“Hi, Chanyeol,” she squeaks, giving him a timid wave.

Chanyeol nods at her. “I couldn’t help but here your conversation, thank you for supporting my brother here.”

She wants to stay longer and talk with them but Jongdae has a family waiting for him, so she stands up too and takes her bag of groceries. “Just doing my part as a fan.” She turns to Jongdae. “Anyway, you should get back to your family.”

Her bias lifts his groceries off the bench and nods at her. “Yes, I should. Thank you for talking with me.”

“Likewise.”

This particular night in autumn feels different, the wind has mellowed down to a soft breeze and the soft glow of the streetlamps seems to be giving out warmth. Maybe it was their honest conversation, maybe it was the aftermath of meeting the people you have always admired from afar, but the sky doesn’t seem too dark anymore. If she has to describe how she feels at that moment with colours, they will be the colours of the sunset, a mixture of purples, pinks and oranges. Every sunset comes with a sunrise, and hopefully a better tomorrow. She prays they will have better tomorrows too, even if Jongdae will leave his family for the army soon, she wishes them well too.

She doesn’t know if she will see Jongdae or Chanyeol again, but she will never forget today, when the sun has long set yet their presence, especially Jongdae’s, have brought warmth equivalent to sunshine.

“Remember, it’s not goodbye,” Jongdae tells her as he approaches Chanyeol.

Chanyeol winks at her. “Take care, Eri. And stream ‘Hello’ for Dae.” Jongdae chuckles in agreement.

They give her a final wave and walk out to the main street. She watches their retreating figures until she can’t see them anymore.

She takes out her phone, plugs in her earphones, and presses play.

“Always hello, never goodbye,” she whispers into the autumn night air.

**Author's Note:**

> If you have read until the end, thank you so much and please feel free to leave a comment!


End file.
